First impressions

First love

First day of

First born

First (fill in the blank)

What do you feel when you hear “the first?” What comes to your mind? Do you feel happy or maybe hopeful? Or can hearing this make you disappointed or depressed? I believe there are certain words that hold power and “the first” can be among them. If we think about it in terms of the calendar, well, today is May 1st.  The beginning of a new month. Then there is January first which is always celebrated and we even create pressure on ourselves to make resolutions – of which how many do we truly hold true to? I see both sides here. First, we can psychologically give ourselves permission to start over to begin anew with this date as a marker. Then there might be the melancholy of life marching on as the calendar ticks to another new year. We might feel the pressure to list those resolutions and depending on your state of mind, you may either be forgiving of yourself if you break them or let them go or you may beat yourself up and feel less than or worthless.

There are other “firsts” that we encounter too on our journey through life.  Our first lost tooth, our first haircut, our first love or kiss.  Maybe the first is not so gentle or kind; our first tumble off a bike, our first heartbreak or death, our first ticket.  Whatever the “first”, they are markers. We remember them and they live in our subconscious with feelings and emotions surrounding them.  Firsts change the course of our life. Firsts are something new, unique, out of the ordinary — that we have never experienced before.  Small or large, wonderful or painful, each of them has the potential for an equally large impact on your life.

Not only is today May Day, it is also the day my daughter is moving out again. This will not be the first time she has moved out of our home but is will be the first time she is leaving CLEAN.  She moved back in with us a year ago February and while it has not been easy to have her here, it has been comforting for me to see her. My emotions are mixed.  Happiness, worry, frustration are among some of my immediate feelings. I am happy she is making steps to be self sufficient.  I am worried about the added financial burden on us as she does not make enough money without our help.  I am also worried about her ability to function on her own as she has not done this successfully in the past. I am frustrated with myself for not working my own program to keep my boundaries clear and detaching the way I should for my own self-care.

So here is to another “first.” May God bless it.  And may you take time to think about the firsts in your life thus far and maybe what is to come. You know, those things you want to do or change or try. Maybe you can even try one today.