Courage

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The only courage that matters is the kind that gets you from one moment to the next.  – Mignon McLaughlin

I’ve been busy but truth be told I believe I have been stuck.  There have been times in my life where my musings have come quite easily and I can clearly articulate them whether it be in poem, in story or in journal writing.  My inspiration can come from the most unlikely places at times but mostly my inspirations come from those people and experiences that make me FEEL the most.  For example, when I first met my husband, I was intoxicated with feelings.  I could write and create all day long about this new relationship and the powerful and wonderful feelings I was feeling.  My therapist likes to remind me that emotions love themselves.  Once we allow one to come to the surface it likes and enjoys the attention.  This is great when we are feeling good right? Who doesn’t love to feel joy, pleasure, happiness, elation, and the like and then to share it with the world.  But what about those “other” emotions.  You know the ones that we wish would stay far, far away; sadness, guilt, anxiety, pain.  When those feelings surface they seem to hang around much longer than we like while the “good ones” leave us way too soon.  Lately I have gone into my cave. I have made the decision consciously or unconsciously to just exist in the moment, to let my life flow through me, and not hang around to make any kind of mark.  But again, truth be told, it does anyway.  Think of the stones under the riverbed.  The water rushes over them day in and day out.  That water changes the stones over time.  They get worn down, polished, moved.  Each one has a story because it has been marked by those currents regardless of where they are placed.  Lately I have been letting the currents of my life move over me without taking much time to pay attention.

This past weekend I flew to Connecticut to reunite with a beautiful group of women as we celebrated our 35th high school class reunion.  Many of these amazing women I was not friends with in high school yet we fell easily into conversation over the course of two days.  We remembered shared and familiar experiences from our past, we learned about our lives after high school and we met each other as if for the first time as fifty-something women with life stories and experiences to share.  I was truly grateful for being able to participate not just in body but in spirit.  To be present and open to receive each woman who I came in contact with was like adding a pearl to a necklace and I came away richly blessed.

There was a part of me that was worried about making the journey.  How would I share my story?  What should I reveal what should I keep to myself?  When talk of strong marriages and successful children come up what will I bring to the conversation?  Will they find me unworthy of their time when they learn of my reality?  I had to think about these questions as I was making my decision.  But the truth was all these questions were already answered by me long before the reunion.  Over the years I have learned that too many people hide themselves and cut themselves off from living their authentic lives.  I want to break through that.  If I can be the one to start the conversation bring it on.  I am strong enough to share.  I have been given a voice to speak and a heart to care and a faith that will sustain me even in my darkest and saddest of times.  So with the tools I have been taught and those I am learning I can use my wise-mind and I can live in the moment and be present for myself and those put in my path.   I don’t just have to embrace and share the joy.  I can share the pain with the intention of hoping to reach someone else and maybe even easing some of their pain.

My daughter is not doing well.  I am worried about her and for her.  All I have is prayer to give her right now.  I am living my life in the moment.  Enjoying my work, my loving husband, my ever loyal sweet dogs and my friends who know how to love me.  I am grateful for this platform and for those of you who take the time to read.

Til next time, peace.

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One thought on “Courage

  1. This is one of your most heartfelt blogs, and in it you reveal the beautiful soul that you are. Life is never easy, and the trials you have had in your lifetime have been horrific and continue to be so because of the depth of your love for Veronica, but you continue to move on, to be gracious and funny and loving, and for those reasons you are earning your wings. Love you to the depths of MY heart.

    Like

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