Photo- New Horizon

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New Horizon” target=”_blank”>The photo challenge this week was challenging you to think ahead and show your work in a representative photo.  Rather than a resolution I felt compelled to show something that you want to achieve — a rebirth of me!   2017 I hope will take me from a chrysalis to a butterfly.  I love this image for many reasons.  I love the way the blue of the wings jumps out from the green surroundings.  I see myself making a bold step – NOT blending in to the status quo or norm.  I love how the butterfly is perched ready to fly.  The possibilities of where, for how long and how far have yet to be determined.  I love how her wings are spread out to their fullest in both directions – open and ready to receive.  I could not think of a better image to represent my ‘New Horizon” for the coming year.

Courage

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The only courage that matters is the kind that gets you from one moment to the next.  – Mignon McLaughlin

I’ve been busy but truth be told I believe I have been stuck.  There have been times in my life where my musings have come quite easily and I can clearly articulate them whether it be in poem, in story or in journal writing.  My inspiration can come from the most unlikely places at times but mostly my inspirations come from those people and experiences that make me FEEL the most.  For example, when I first met my husband, I was intoxicated with feelings.  I could write and create all day long about this new relationship and the powerful and wonderful feelings I was feeling.  My therapist likes to remind me that emotions love themselves.  Once we allow one to come to the surface it likes and enjoys the attention.  This is great when we are feeling good right? Who doesn’t love to feel joy, pleasure, happiness, elation, and the like and then to share it with the world.  But what about those “other” emotions.  You know the ones that we wish would stay far, far away; sadness, guilt, anxiety, pain.  When those feelings surface they seem to hang around much longer than we like while the “good ones” leave us way too soon.  Lately I have gone into my cave. I have made the decision consciously or unconsciously to just exist in the moment, to let my life flow through me, and not hang around to make any kind of mark.  But again, truth be told, it does anyway.  Think of the stones under the riverbed.  The water rushes over them day in and day out.  That water changes the stones over time.  They get worn down, polished, moved.  Each one has a story because it has been marked by those currents regardless of where they are placed.  Lately I have been letting the currents of my life move over me without taking much time to pay attention.

This past weekend I flew to Connecticut to reunite with a beautiful group of women as we celebrated our 35th high school class reunion.  Many of these amazing women I was not friends with in high school yet we fell easily into conversation over the course of two days.  We remembered shared and familiar experiences from our past, we learned about our lives after high school and we met each other as if for the first time as fifty-something women with life stories and experiences to share.  I was truly grateful for being able to participate not just in body but in spirit.  To be present and open to receive each woman who I came in contact with was like adding a pearl to a necklace and I came away richly blessed.

There was a part of me that was worried about making the journey.  How would I share my story?  What should I reveal what should I keep to myself?  When talk of strong marriages and successful children come up what will I bring to the conversation?  Will they find me unworthy of their time when they learn of my reality?  I had to think about these questions as I was making my decision.  But the truth was all these questions were already answered by me long before the reunion.  Over the years I have learned that too many people hide themselves and cut themselves off from living their authentic lives.  I want to break through that.  If I can be the one to start the conversation bring it on.  I am strong enough to share.  I have been given a voice to speak and a heart to care and a faith that will sustain me even in my darkest and saddest of times.  So with the tools I have been taught and those I am learning I can use my wise-mind and I can live in the moment and be present for myself and those put in my path.   I don’t just have to embrace and share the joy.  I can share the pain with the intention of hoping to reach someone else and maybe even easing some of their pain.

My daughter is not doing well.  I am worried about her and for her.  All I have is prayer to give her right now.  I am living my life in the moment.  Enjoying my work, my loving husband, my ever loyal sweet dogs and my friends who know how to love me.  I am grateful for this platform and for those of you who take the time to read.

Til next time, peace.

Better Late Than Never

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Wow!  The summer came and went so fast.  I had so many good intentions of posting throughout the summer but I didn’t.  You have to get back on the horse sometime and better late than never right?  Funny how those statements can make me feel so much better 🙂

My summer was busy, yes.  But not so busy that I could not take time to post.  I checked out.  My photography work kept me busy and really took all my “happy” energy every day.  My mentally ill daughter was living at home and with no car, I was her means of transportation to work, meetings and other events she requested to go to.  I prayed daily for her, and still do, to start making better choices but sadly she is not there yet.  It does depress me.  I do feel helpless and sad.  I also feel angry, mad and frustrated.  Those three “c’s” chant in my head like a mantra…

So I am turning the page.  She is out of our home again.  I am moving into a time of busy social activities and less business for a time.  I am looking forward to cooler mornings, walks with the dogs, coffee with my husband and travel.  A weekend in the mountains, listening to a great concert, attending a Broadway musical, trips to DC and Tucson, my 35th high school reunion are gifts I am going to cherish.

I am grateful that I can forgive myself for my mistakes.  I am grateful that God forgives me even more!  I am so glad I can keep on writing even after two months off.

Catch ya later!602382_486394408057472_502052500_n

 

Happy Father’s Day

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I have every good intention of posting over the course of the last month.  I wish I had a good excuse but I honestly don’t.  The best and most honest answer would be that life got in the way and this was obviously not a priority or it would have been done just as laundry, house cleaning, shopping and going to work all get done.  I have missed this and I am grateful to be sitting here, taking a few moments to write before I go to church.

It is a beautiful Sunday morning here in Charleston.  The weather the past week or so has felt like the middle of August with heat indexes over 100 and humidity that leaves you more than dewy.  After the crazy storm two nights ago we have enjoyed cooler temps and lower humidity making everyone just a bit more energetic!  These days are priceless.  They will not last long so I for one have been making sure I get the most out of them.  Getting up earlier, drinking my coffee outside, having cocktail hour down by the marsh, biking and taking long walks with my husband and dogs.

Today is also Father’s Day.  I have been blessed to have my dad around for all the years I have been on this earth, (52 1/2 to be exact).  He is such an inspiration.  I know I can speak for my brother and two sisters when I say we love our dad and appreciate all he has taught us about life, love, generosity, and faith.  I pray we have many more Father’s Days to celebrate with him on this earth.  Today I am grateful for one more.

When I think of my dad I think of:

hard work – the law – Ballentine Ale – sweat bands – piano music – singing – cooking – messes – clam bakes – political exchanges – friendships – travel – Florida – Black Russians – White Russians – wine – pasta at midnight – painting – loud talking – naps – ear aches – birthday treats – the land – the cottage – nicknames – LIVING BIG

That’s my dad.

 

Frustration – Watch What You Say!

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Last night I had another frustrating night after a long and equally frustrating day with my mentally ill adult/child.  There are days when it gets really hard to be supportive, loving and even civil.  Then the lines of what is the illness and what is the person get even more blurred.  I found a really good read on psychcentral.com that I though I would share today.  It speaks to this very issue and shares some of the things you should NOT say to someone suffering.

 

  • Get over it: It’s so easy to say these words when you are frustrated or “fed up.” Someone who ruminates or harps on the same things over and over can truly affect your own mental health. Someone who, for example, is severely depressed and continually speaks to you about a depressing situation, can make you feel depressed. Your thoughts may be “please get over it!” It’s perfectly fine to have your thoughts, but be mindful with what you say. It’s really easy to come across as uncaring, even if you don’t mean to be.
  • You are not the only one: This statement can be said in the heat of the moment during an argument or period of frustration. This statement is often used by some people as an attempt to encourage another individual to get motivated to do something. For example, you may feel as if the person suffering is using their condition as an excuse to avoid doing things such as seeking employment, keeping a job long-term, or doing household chores. I’ve often heard this statement made from some parents to teens who are struggling with depression and tends to avoid doing homework or stays isolated in their bedroom.
  • Don’t use this as an excuse: It’s easy to feel overwhelmed by a person’s condition and begin to think “they are using this as an excuse to avoid their responsibilities.” Be careful because this doesn’t have to be the case.
  • You aren’t trying: When a client is told that they are not trying, they are likely to not try at all. This is called a “self-fulfilling prophecy.” A self-fulfilling prophecy is a type of phenomenon that occurs when someone is either told something that they begin to believe as true or when the individual himself begins to tell his own mind something that is eventually believed to be true. For example, a teacher can tell a child “you will never pass this test with your behavior” and although the child is very intelligent, they can actually begin to believe what the teacher has said and unintentionally underperform. We must be careful how we word things and how we express concerns. Some individuals with mental health conditions are truly trying, trying to the best of their ability. To say “you aren’t trying” can come across as judgmental, arrogant, and uncaring. It’s certainly okay, however, to share your concerns with the individual and ask them how much they feel they are actually trying.
  • You can’t be like this forever: Sadly, I have heard many parents say to their adolescent child that “you cannot remain this depressed forever because you have to get into college.” This placed an insurmountable amount of stress on the individual and even led to worsening depression. Some individuals will recover very quickly with the right amount of medication and therapy while others may suffer for years. Making this statement will likely lead the person to feel inadequate.
  • Get out more: Again, you don’t want to come across as judgmental or as uncaring. To tell someone suffering from a mental illness to “get out more” makes it sound as if you think the person is either strange or too isolated. You want to be careful how you share your concerns of the person’s isolation.
  • You are lazy: Some individuals with mental health challenges can come across as “lazy,” especially those who struggle with depression or severe mental illnesses like schizophrenia. But it is important to keep in mind just how ill the person is before you make such statements. Laziness is a “character flaw” not a symptom of an illness. A person who is appearing to lack motivation is probably going through a mental or emotion struggle of some kind. You don’t want to make them feel bad for struggling with an illness. The most important thing to keep in mind is that if the person could see themselves or help themselves, they probably would.
  • You are like your father/mother: We cannot help to take after certain family members. It’s inevitable. But saying “you are like your mother” or “you are just like your father” during moments of intense stress is probably not the best thing to do. You are likely saying this because you are frustrated or the other person has done something to make you angry. You must keep in mind that such a statement is also a judgment that can lead to escalated behaviours or worsening self-esteem.
  • You are just being a brat: Some children and teens who are struggling with behavioral problems or mental health challenges are often unable to control their own emotions and behaviors. It is not very helpful for the child or his or her self-esteem to make statements such as “you are being a brat right now” or “just grow up, you are so annoying.” These statements can, again, be judgmental and confrontational. However, we all know that children push limits and boundaries. We also know that parents get tired and frustrated. But does this make calling the child a name (i.e., “brat”) helpful? Does it contribute to escalating everyone’s emotions? Does it cause the child or teen to see themselves negatively? Does it make the child or teen feel unloved or misunderstood? If so, I encourage you to avoid using such terminology.
  • You are so sick: I have had the unfortunate experience of hearing some parents or guardians call their child “sick.” It’s a word that paints the individual as “strange,” “weird,” or “crazy.” It does not help the individual understand themselves and it does not truly convey the frustrated person’s emotions. It only serves the purpose of condemning and hurting the other person.

There are certainly better ways to communicate your feelings to someone who is struggling with an illness. I encourage you to be mindful of how you communicate with those you love and care about. Nothing is worse than having a family member, caregiver, or close friend speak to you in the worst way when you are down and unable to move forward. “Tough love” doesn’t mean verbal or emotional abuse. You want to encourage your loved one to get up and keep moving forward by using the right words.  Sadly I did say many of these things to my child in the heat of the moment last night.  I regret this and am reminded that I need to filter, walk away, count and temper my words and tone before speaking in order to get my point across in a productive manner.  The emotions, frustrations and confrontational speak hurts ME.

The term “active listening” is an important thing to keep in mind. Active listening refers to the ability to truly connect with the person speaking to you. You are not listening so that you can respond and you are not listening while doing other things. You are able to hear what the person is not actually verbalizing with words and can empathize with their feelings. You are listening for true emotions. You are not being judgmental, but open and understanding. You are giving the person your undivided attention and making the person feel heard. You want to practice conveying empathy, kindness, and compassion.

 

May we all find a little peace

 

 

Photo Challenge – Admiration

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This week’s photo challenge asks us to share who/what we admire.  If you are like me there may be several people that come to mind.  We are just a few days away from Mother’s Day and the person at the top of my list would be my mother.  My mom is the most generous, vibrant and selfless person I know.  I am so blessed to have mother who is so beautiful both inside and out.  My mother supported my dreams, offered advise, gave love without condition and has been the center of our family since I can remember.  She has supernatural energy even to this day.  Working, raising a family, taking care of her husband, children and grandchildren, volunteering, giving of herself to friends and family, never missing a birthday or anniversary, the list goes on!  I hope I can be even a fraction of the woman my mother is.  Thank you mom!   I love you.

Fight the Stigma

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9 Ways to Fight Mental Health Stigma

By Laura Greenstein | Oct. 26, 2015

Stigma is one of the most challenging aspects of living with a mental health condition. It causes people to feel ashamed for something that is out of their control and prevents many from seeking the help they need and speaking out. In order to address this problem, we asked our Facebook community, “What is the best way to end stigma?” Here are some of the responses we received:

  1. Talk openly about mental health. “Mental illness touches so many lives and yet it’s STILL a giant secret. Be brave and share your story.” –Lindsey Watkin Lason
  2. Educate yourself and others about mental health. “Challenge people respectfully when they are perpetrating stereotypes and misconceptions. Speak up and educate them.” –Yvonne Lucas
  3. Be conscious of your language. “Saying someone is “retarded” or using (or even mentioning) the “N” word is politically incorrect, but it’s still fine to throw around words like crazy, psycho, lunatic, etc.” –Michele Croston
  4. Encourage equality in how people perceive physical illness and mental illness. “We should explain mental illness as similar to any other illness. When someone acts differently or “strange” during diabetic shock we don’t blame them for moral failings.” –William Newbill
  5. Show empathy and compassion for those living with a mental health condition. “Love, we can all use more education, but that will not make people change their opinions. When you love and respect people, love and respect all of them. You have a desire to learn more about who they are and what their life is like.” –Megan Wright Bowman
  6. Stop the criminalization of those who live with mental illness. “Professionals and families together need to talk to neighborhood groups, law enforcement, hospitals and legal experts to share experiences and knowledge on interacting with mentally ill.” –Valerie E. Johnson
  7. Push back against the way people who live with mental illness are portrayed in the media: “Push back hard against the media and politicians and pundits that simply deflect real social issues such as gun control to the realm of “psychos” causing mass shootings.” –Michele Croston
  8. See the person, not the illness: “Talk about your family and friends with mental illnesses any time a conversation invites the opportunity; with an open heart, love, and real information about the real human being that they are; they are not their condition.” –Sheryl Schaffner
  9. Advocate for mental health reform. “It’s empowering people whenever and wherever you can. It’s also writing legislators. It’s also talking in front of a board of commissioners to advocate for continued mental health funding… It’s doing the right thing and treating others justly.” –Danielle Hoover

Stigma is not something that will go away on its own, but if we work together as a community, we can change the way we perceive mental illness in our society. Do your part by pledging to be stigmafree today.

– See more at: https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/October-2015/9-Ways-to-Fight-Mental-Health-Stigma#sthash.Q3zBxp5e.dpuf

I wanted to share this page from the NAMI website.  As May approaches I hope many of you will join the cause and pledge to be “stigmafree” with me.  As I read these I made a mental check list for myself on what I am and am not doing on my own journey as a caregiver to my mentally ill child.  I do talk openly about mental health.  I also have found a variety of responses when I do.  First I notice that the person or persons I am sharing with had “no idea” that this touches me and my family.  They say things like, you are always so positive and happy.  I guess I am not supposed to be?  Honestly, there are days I am not and that is when I need my support group and God to get me through a tough time.  Then many will actually tell me that mental illness effects them in one way or another.  Some very close to home but have never said anything and others who know someone.  I find it interesting when I am open, honest and vulnerable the other person opens up to their own pain and desire to share but could never until that moment.
Education is also important.  I have been to family to family training and it helped me in so many ways.  The biggest being having the courage to get the help for my child that she needed even though it was heart wrenching for me.  You have to learn all you can.
Your words have power.  They can hurt or they can encourage.  Show empathy and compassion but also learn the language of detaching with love when necessary.  Get involved locally and in your state for mental health reform.  It is desperately needed.  We must all be a collective voice in this.
Blessings and Happy Friday!

May: Mental Health Awareness Month: #StigmaFree

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How do you become stigma free?  Just follow these steps.

Educate Yourself and Others

Everyone knows a little about mental health issues but knowing the facts about mental illness can help you educate others and reject stigmatizing stereotypes. They are not the result of personal weakness, lack of character or poor upbringing. Understanding mental health isn’t only about being able to identify symptoms and having a name for these conditions but dispelling many false ideas about mental health conditions as well.

– See more at: https://www.nami.org/stigmafree#whatisstigmafree

See the Person and Not the Illness

1 in 5 Americans live with a mental health condition and each of them has their own story, path and journey that says more about them than their diagnosis. Whether you live with mental illness or are a friend, family member, caregiver or medical professional getting to know a person and treating them with kindness and empathy means far more than just knowing what they are going through.

– See more at: https://www.nami.org/stigmafree#whatisstigmafree

Take Action on Mental Health Issues

Our mental health care systems have been in crisis for far too long and often keep treatment and recovery out of the hands of many who need it. We can take action now as we push for better legislation and policies to improve lives for everyone. By lending your support you can show that this cause important to you and desperately needed for millions of Americans.

– See more at: https://www.nami.org/stigmafree#whatisstigmafree

I live with a child who suffers with this disease for most of her life.  We still have such a long way to go in understanding, diagnosing, treating and accepting this disease and the other problems that go along with it like addictions and other self harming activities.  We also need to better equip the caregivers and families of those who suffer.  Their daily lives can be just as painful and frustrating at times.  Learning to see the person and not the illness is not always easy.  There are days I really do not like my child.  I will never stop loving her but try hugging a porcupine and see how you feel afterwards.  My goal this coming month is to focus on what I have learned and continue to learn.  I hope something here will help you too!
Peace be with you!
And please be #stigmafree with me!

A Rose by any other name

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The Lover Tells of the Rose in His Heart

All things uncomely and broken, all things worn out and old,
The cry of a child by the roadway, the creak of a lumbering cart,
The heavy steps of the ploughman, splashing the wintry mould,
Are wronging your image that blossoms a rose in the deeps of my heart.

The wrong of unshapely things is a wrong too great to be told;
I hunger to build them anew and sit on a green knoll apart,
With the earth and the sky and the water, re-made, like a casket of gold
For my dreams of your image that blossoms a rose in the deeps of my heart.

— W.B. Yeats

 

One Perfect Rose

A single flow’r he sent me, since we met.
All tenderly his messenger he chose;
Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet—
One perfect rose.

I knew the language of the floweret;
“My fragile leaves,” it said, “his heart enclose.”
Love long has taken for his amulet
One perfect rose.

Why is it no one ever sent me yet
One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
Ah no, it’s always just my luck to get
One perfect rose.

— Dorothy Parker

 

The rose is such a beautiful flower.  With over 100 species, they are magnificent in their color and scent.  Their uses are just as varied.  Of course they are used in gardens but you can also find roses being used in perfume, food and drink as well as medicine.  Roses are a favored subject in art and appear in portraits, illustrations, on stamps, as ornaments or as architectural elements. I chose the rose for this week’s photo challenge of “abstract” because my husband has a gorgeous rose garden in our yard and I have been working on a collection of photos for a special group of note cards and calendar. Working with different lighting and lenses I have captured some stunning images.  This is very Georgia O’Keefe like to me!

Enjoy.

Kicking and Punching

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“It’s the lack of faith that makes people afraid of meeting challenges, and I believe in myself.” Muhammad Ali

For the past nine months (give or take) I have been a member of a new gym only seven minutes from my house.  It is called “Grit Box Fitness” and I am so glad I was introduced to it.  I have a dear friend who is a member and talked me into going to a free boxing class. Over the years I have been to many gyms and tried lots of exercise classes and have worked out with trainers weight lifting but I never was in a gym where there were classes using a punching bag.  There is nothing cute or chic or sexy about this space.  On the contrary, to me it looked quite intimidating.  But being always up for trying something new I was all in!  For 45 minutes I worked out as hard as I could.  Did I have a few doubts that I would not make it to the end of the class?  Did that little voice in my head telling me I am NUTS being MY AGE and working out with KIDS who could be my kids?  Of course.  Did that stop me?  NO!!! When I am “all in” I am ALL IN.  After the class I was a sweaty, happy mess.  I felt great.  So I joined and have been loving those evenings when I can kick and punch the crap out of that black bag.

I love yoga. I love that I can refocus myself, breathe, meditate for an hour and leave knowing I have done something good and healthy for myself.  It is a purge in a way.  Well this boxing thing is just like my yoga practice except the music is a lot louder and not a calming, the teacher is yelling and not speaking in gentle tones, the lights are brighter and there is grunting (well there is grunting in yoga too I suppose!).  It is the best pairing of physical activities for me anyway.  On Saturday mornings I have been attending my yoga class and go straight to my gym for boxing.  My boxing on Saturday mornings somehow feels different and by the time I get home at noon I feel GREAT!

So I thought I would share with you some of the things I have learned about the benefits of this kicking and punching thing that I do.

The heavy bag is a stuffed bag made of leather or vinyl, which weighs between 40 and 100 pounds, and is used primarily among boxers for building punching power and improving boxing technique. Hitting the heavy bag is physically demanding and a true test of strength and stamina. For a relatively simple piece of equipment, it delivers many amazing benefits.

  1.  Improves Aerobic Fitness – Training on the heavy bag at the right intensity, will greatly tax the cardio respiratory system. The mere act of moving around a bag, while changing body position, equates to an aerobic (utilizing oxygen at a lower intensity) workout.
  2.  Improve Power –  The heavy bag was actually designed for boxers to enhance their punching power. It allows for the perfect opportunity to focus on using as many muscles as possible, to ensure a punch is thrown with perfect technique, and with the greatest possible force – the bag never hits back.  Main muscles worked on the heavy bag include the shoulders, arms, back, chest and waist. Legs are also used in the process of punching the bag, to generate power through the upper body.  Straight punches, such as the right cross and jab, will help develop power through the shoulders and chest, while uppercuts and hooks will utilize the back and arms to a greater extent.
  3. Improve Core Stability and Coordination – Circling the heavy bag and throwing off combinations of punches will help with coordination. Keeping on the toes, and transferring weight from one foot to the other, to throw a specific punch, will help develop core stability, and, as a result, overall body coordination. Boxers move with grace!
  4. Develop Self Defense Skills – The bag cannot retaliate, therefore making it a great way in which to perfect self defense technique. Visualize the bag as an opponent (or someone you would love to take a swing at) and hit as if being hit.
  5. Improve Body Shape – I have personally witnessed an improvement in terms of shoulder, biceps and back detail, as a result of heavy bag training. Although hitting the heavy bag does not equate to a pure bodybuilding workout – as would weight-training – it does provide an excellent way in which to add detail and strip body-fat. I have even gone back to do some weight training!
  6. Decrease Stress – My favorite.  Hitting the heavy bag is one way to dissolve negative stress. Although any form of exercise has special stress-countering qualities, boxing is probably unique in that it is a physically exhausting, aggressive, activity, which demands total concentration while allowing one to literally strike-out at an inanimate object.

So go find a good gym that has a bag, find a good trainer and enjoy!!!